Have Your Way

Feels like I have been here forever
Why can't you just intervene
Do you see the tears keep falling
And I'm falling apart at the seams
But You never said the road would be easy
But You said You would never leave me
And You never promised that this life wasn't har
But You promised You'd take care of me

So I'll stop searching for the answers
I'll stop praying for an escape
And I'll trust you God with where I am
And believe that You will have Your way
Just have Your way
Just have Your way

When my friends and family have left me
And I feel so ashamed and cold
Remind me You take broken things
And turn them into beautiful

Even if my dreams have died
And even if I don't survive
I'll still worship You with all my life

These are the lyrics of Britt Nicole's Have Your Way. This past week was was my twenty second birthday. I have been dog/cat sitting for my parents. I have had a few visitors, but I have been spending much of my time alone. This summer has been difficult for me - I am still reflecting on many things that happened last year. I have been reevaluating my life. I have been searching for answers. I am wondering what I am doing with my life. I have been a little down off and on since January...I am not sure why. I used to have this ability to be open and honest and COMMUNICATE how I am feeling - but recently I have been finding it harder and harder to let people into my life. I think it is deeply embedded in shame. I am not proud of the way I feel right now and its hard for me to admit to going through a rough time. I know things could always be worst (this is some advice I usually receive when I open up). I do appreciate putting my life into perspective - I think it is very important to do this. Well, enough background information back to the reason I am posting. I received Britt Nicole's CD from Jen. Last night (after I finished watching 127 hours), I decided see what Britt Nicole was all about. I can't quite decide what she reminded me of...maybe a mix between Lady Gaga and Colbie Caillat. As I was going through the tracks, nothing sparked my interest until the last song. The music was much softer than her other tracks and immediately the words intrigued me. I wasn't expecting to be able to identify with her music, but this one got me. This whole month, I have been broken and searching for answers. I am aware that I am once again struggling with the idea of trusting in God and what it means when people talk about His will for your life. Almost every line of the song applies to my life. I have come to the realization that I need to to receive grace and to allow God to love me just the way I am. I can't let anything steal away my joy.

Listening Distantly

Catalina Island - Campus by the Sea

Over the past few days, I have been pondering what truly brings meaning and fulfillment to my life. What makes me feel alive? I know I feel deeply connected to something larger when I am out in nature. But what is it about nature that draws me in? I began to think deeper and more specifically.

For the past few years, I have had the honor to accompany Sylvia Cortez on Covenant Group Leader Retreats. My favorite retreat is on Catalina Island. When I am near the ocean, I feel that my senses are engaged specifically hearing. I love the sound of the ocean. Here on the Catalina shore there are pebbles lining the beaches. I hear the waves crash on the store only to be followed by the water trickling down the small pebbles. Its like the waves are being called home.

I have always lived close to the ocean and have attended PLNU for the past couple of years. I know when I am home because of the air. I see a deep connection between the air and the sea. When I am away, I appreciate the waves more.  I long to always be near the sea.  Now more than ever, the ocean does something for me. It located the deepest dreams in my soul and pulls at them with invisible cords, hoisting the sails of my spirit to catch whatever breath blows in from the horizon. And where the breath comes from, I never can tell. But it comes. I feel it washing over my skin, weaving in and out of my hair, rushing into my lungs and out again...then I know I am home.

There is something about the sea that beckons, whispers, invites my soul and heart to dream again. To fly and be free on the winds of imagination unfettered by the constraints that bind humanity ruled only by the laws of heaven - the laws of freedom.

Sometimes my physical body is removed, but my heart always seems to find its way back to the seaside once again. Along the way my heart wanders off into thicker forest of doubt  and rock crags of fear. I hear a voice, not quite so soothing as the sea's whisper, and this voice spoke of how uncertain the ocean was. It mentioned the changing tides, and how someone can't be certain of how high the water will rise. The voice suggested that I consider the unpredictable weather patterns, which could be uncomfortably cold and excruciatingly hot. And goodness gracious, did it ever cross my mind that hurricanes abound in a few...NO. Probably in all tropical locations? Was my swim instructor properly certified? Because when I was young there was a girl who...well, you hear the story didn't you?

On and on the voice went, sounding awfully close to my own, yet it never carried the peace that came with the sea's gentle breath. No peace, but the logic made sense. Would it be wise to find a safe place in the rocks should a hurricane approach? Or perhaps an alternative food source in the woods should the ocean run out of fish to eat?

Looking back, I never wandered too far, but I was far enough that the rocky crags distorted the sound of the wind just enough to confuse my ears. When in the forest, the tall pine trees caught up all but the faintest traces of the oceans breath with their netting of needles, leaving my lungs feeling clouded and thick with dry dust. The thing about sea breeze is that it always guides you back, pulling you to itself, drawing you back to the source. The closer you get the stronger the wind becomes, restoring the body, mind, and spirit.

So, here I am back at the shoreline. I will sink roots deep down and build a home with a porch. For the rest of my days, I can sit and watch the currents ripple across the water expanse. I will live by the sea where the law is freedom and where my hear has permission to dream. All of my adventures and heroic endeavors will begin here and they will return here. They will be fueled by the love grown here and the strength developed here. They will be directed by the wisdom gained here and the vision birthed here. This will happen because the wind is always speaking - whispering the secrets of the see to those who will listen.

The concerns of the other voice, who so obligingly brought to my attention and motives I doubt, now seem of no consequences. I can now see that the tides will rise and fall with predictable uncertainty. The extremities of heat and cold, wind and rain, are furiously uncontrollable, intensely passionate, and never mediocre. Of course, there is still the possibility of hurricane. But there is no other place I would rather drown than in a torrent of such unbridled power and stunning beauty. Could there be any better way to die than to be consumed by these waters whose length is unmeasurable and whose depth is unknown. Could there be anything more dangerous, more terrifying, more captivating, more gentle and soothing all at once than the infinite expanse that stretches before me? I would rather die in the midst of the sea than anywhere else. It is not safe and it will never be. And yes, it is in the wild freedom of desires and dreams that I am actually the safest I could ever be. The wind knows the way of the sea. If I listen carefully, I am sure I will hear the gentle whisper of the sea.

It is here that my heart comes alive. It is hear that I feel Your breath on me. I will live within listening distance from the waves and never move away.